Nowadays, compassion has almost become a buzz word that everyone talks about. As one of the fundamental concepts in Buddhism, compassion is such a big topic that it can take several classes to discuss. Today I just wanted to focus on two things: the differences between love and compassion, and some simple ways we can cultivate compassion in day-to-day life.
In Chinese, compassion is 慈悲. The first character means “give happiness,” and second one means “eradicate suffering.” In other words, a compassionate person tries to give others happiness by helping them eradicate their sufferings. In Buddhism, happiness means “without suffering.” That is why we also emphasize the concept of cause and effect. The logic is simple: if we don’t create any suffering causes, consequently there will be no suffering results. True happiness can be reached then.
Most people think of happiness as “plus” – more money, a better car, a prettier cell phone, etc. I think differently. I consider happiness as “minus” – the removal of sufferings caused by all the endless desires, wants, and wishes. Think about the last time you went to a movie with friends. You had a great time. The movie ended, you went home, and you felt a sense of lose! Why? Because your happiness was built on “plus.” When you don’t have “it,” you feel unhappy. These kinds of happiness are temporary. Not only do they not last long, they sometimes become the source of unhappiness. Compassion, on the other hand, is to give others true happiness by helping them remove their sufferings.
If you understand the true meaning of compassion, you can then easily tell the differences between compassion and love. First, love usually implies possession and control. The best example would be a typical relationship between the parents and their children: because I love you, so I want you to do something for me. The line between control and love is a very thin one. You have to observe it carefully. Some might argue that I am the parent therefore I have to take care of my children. Being a parent is your responsibility. A good parent fulfills his or her responsibilities without trying to control their children. You want to help your kids by providing them good environment and education, so they can grow to be their own person. You don’t own their life so you should not control them to be the way you want them to be. While love implies possession and control, compassion means I just want to offer, to give.
Moreover, love often implies “exchanges.” Just like conducting business, I give you something and you give me something back in return. I read in my physiology textbook a case study about abused wives. Even after years of abuse, many of them will not leave their husband. For one, they keep thinking: he will change one day. For two, they feel I have invested so much in him, in this family. Isn’t this just like doing business, a form of “exchange”? I invest in you so I am waiting for my return.
Lastly, compassion is selfishless where self-benefit is fully abandoned for the sake of serving all sentient beings. A compassionate person treats everyone as equal. On the other hand, love is often selfish, discriminating between the ones I love and the ones I don’t. For example, you attend your daughter’s dance recital where more than 30 dancers are on stage dancing. You take pictures. Go home and examine those pictures. You see only your daughter. Your pictures have only 1 person. Or maybe her close friends, the ones you know. This is a form of attachment. You are attached to seeing only your daughter. You go to see a dance with 30 people and you see only 1 person. If I go to the same dance recital, because I am not attached to any one person or thing, I will be able to see everything. When my attachment is eliminated, I have more room to see things as they are. Our life is more open this way.
Some might ask that I am a very selfish person. Why should I care about the benefits of others. Actually, we follow any practice all for very selfish reasons. Just think this way. I practice meditation so I can purify my mind. I cultivate compassion so I can reduce anger and remove attachments. Even if you have the desire to help others, you have to start by helping yourself first. For example, if you see someone drowning and you want to save him. Before you jump into the water, you have to make sure you know how to swim first. Otherwise, you both will die. Therefore, help yourself first then help others.
So how can we cultivate compassion in day-to-day life? To start, you should understand the concept of reincarnation. In Buddhism, we believe we are all connected somehow in our previous lives so we are here today in the same room. You might be my mom or dad or daughter or son in my previous lives. When understanding this, you treat everyone as equal and with compassion.
In addition, just look around and you will observe a lot of sufferings of sentient beings. By observing that sufferings are all around us, you will easily and naturally deepen your compassion toward all sentient beings.
A lot of people connect compassion with being nice. However, it is not necessary the case. A professor drops a student, a parent scolds a child, a friend warns another friend…all could be forms of compassion. The focus is on intention and result. The intention needs to be wholesome, for the betterment of the other person. Then you observe the result – has the action resulted in a better outcome? Remember a couple of weeks ago I mentioned the story that a Zen master hit the deers. On the surface, he hit the deers. However, if you examine his intention, he wanted to scare them away so they will not be hurt by human.
Lastly, you can try to practice vegetarianism. You try to reduce the consumption of meats, try to reduce your attachments to certain food. Practicing vegetarianism is one way of working on letting go of attachments, therefore opening up your heart and cultivating compassion.
Next time when you go to a group event, take some pictures. Try to treat everyone in the group equally. Observe all arising thoughts. Is it love or is it compassion? Observe yourself. Look inward. Think about how meditation can help and/or has helped you in cultivating compassion.
In Chinese, compassion is 慈悲. The first character means “give happiness,” and second one means “eradicate suffering.” In other words, a compassionate person tries to give others happiness by helping them eradicate their sufferings. In Buddhism, happiness means “without suffering.” That is why we also emphasize the concept of cause and effect. The logic is simple: if we don’t create any suffering causes, consequently there will be no suffering results. True happiness can be reached then.
Most people think of happiness as “plus” – more money, a better car, a prettier cell phone, etc. I think differently. I consider happiness as “minus” – the removal of sufferings caused by all the endless desires, wants, and wishes. Think about the last time you went to a movie with friends. You had a great time. The movie ended, you went home, and you felt a sense of lose! Why? Because your happiness was built on “plus.” When you don’t have “it,” you feel unhappy. These kinds of happiness are temporary. Not only do they not last long, they sometimes become the source of unhappiness. Compassion, on the other hand, is to give others true happiness by helping them remove their sufferings.
If you understand the true meaning of compassion, you can then easily tell the differences between compassion and love. First, love usually implies possession and control. The best example would be a typical relationship between the parents and their children: because I love you, so I want you to do something for me. The line between control and love is a very thin one. You have to observe it carefully. Some might argue that I am the parent therefore I have to take care of my children. Being a parent is your responsibility. A good parent fulfills his or her responsibilities without trying to control their children. You want to help your kids by providing them good environment and education, so they can grow to be their own person. You don’t own their life so you should not control them to be the way you want them to be. While love implies possession and control, compassion means I just want to offer, to give.
Moreover, love often implies “exchanges.” Just like conducting business, I give you something and you give me something back in return. I read in my physiology textbook a case study about abused wives. Even after years of abuse, many of them will not leave their husband. For one, they keep thinking: he will change one day. For two, they feel I have invested so much in him, in this family. Isn’t this just like doing business, a form of “exchange”? I invest in you so I am waiting for my return.
Lastly, compassion is selfishless where self-benefit is fully abandoned for the sake of serving all sentient beings. A compassionate person treats everyone as equal. On the other hand, love is often selfish, discriminating between the ones I love and the ones I don’t. For example, you attend your daughter’s dance recital where more than 30 dancers are on stage dancing. You take pictures. Go home and examine those pictures. You see only your daughter. Your pictures have only 1 person. Or maybe her close friends, the ones you know. This is a form of attachment. You are attached to seeing only your daughter. You go to see a dance with 30 people and you see only 1 person. If I go to the same dance recital, because I am not attached to any one person or thing, I will be able to see everything. When my attachment is eliminated, I have more room to see things as they are. Our life is more open this way.
Some might ask that I am a very selfish person. Why should I care about the benefits of others. Actually, we follow any practice all for very selfish reasons. Just think this way. I practice meditation so I can purify my mind. I cultivate compassion so I can reduce anger and remove attachments. Even if you have the desire to help others, you have to start by helping yourself first. For example, if you see someone drowning and you want to save him. Before you jump into the water, you have to make sure you know how to swim first. Otherwise, you both will die. Therefore, help yourself first then help others.
So how can we cultivate compassion in day-to-day life? To start, you should understand the concept of reincarnation. In Buddhism, we believe we are all connected somehow in our previous lives so we are here today in the same room. You might be my mom or dad or daughter or son in my previous lives. When understanding this, you treat everyone as equal and with compassion.
In addition, just look around and you will observe a lot of sufferings of sentient beings. By observing that sufferings are all around us, you will easily and naturally deepen your compassion toward all sentient beings.
A lot of people connect compassion with being nice. However, it is not necessary the case. A professor drops a student, a parent scolds a child, a friend warns another friend…all could be forms of compassion. The focus is on intention and result. The intention needs to be wholesome, for the betterment of the other person. Then you observe the result – has the action resulted in a better outcome? Remember a couple of weeks ago I mentioned the story that a Zen master hit the deers. On the surface, he hit the deers. However, if you examine his intention, he wanted to scare them away so they will not be hurt by human.
Lastly, you can try to practice vegetarianism. You try to reduce the consumption of meats, try to reduce your attachments to certain food. Practicing vegetarianism is one way of working on letting go of attachments, therefore opening up your heart and cultivating compassion.
Next time when you go to a group event, take some pictures. Try to treat everyone in the group equally. Observe all arising thoughts. Is it love or is it compassion? Observe yourself. Look inward. Think about how meditation can help and/or has helped you in cultivating compassion.
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